Little Piggies Round the Trough

For the twentieth consecutive day the headlines are full of expense claims by our illustrious leaders and with every headline come promises of "regime change". I'm almost certain that no-one is suggesting it will be the sort of regime changes that Messr Blair and Bush were so keen on, but there is a feeling that something fundamental needs to change. To me, it appears that the reason why we are irked at the extent of MP's dishonesty is that they have been able to make their own rules whilst giving us a completely different set to live by. Those who are calling for general elections (one D.Cameron) have seemingly allowed members of their flock to gorge themselves on our hard earned taxes for a long time without raising so much as a whisper about it until they were forced to. Is electing more of the same, really what we need?

Do we really trust the current parliamentarian incumbents to change a system that they set up for their own benefit? After years of being told where we can smoke, and what we should eat and drink, they have been found out for not following the rules they love dishing out and thinking that we (the great unwashed public) should simply do as they say and not as they do. After all, smoking is not banned in the bar at the houses of Parliament and a large proportion of MP's appear to be a little on the rotund side which is evidence that they don't even follow their own five-a-day rule.

Taking the power back

Every once in a while I have what alcoholics refer to as "a moment of enlightenment". This does not mean that I've admitted to a drinking problem and decided to jump on the wagon - not judging by this weekend just past anyway. What I have come to realise is that I lie to both acquaintances and strangers alike several times a day. In fact I've become so adept at it that I don't realise I'm doing it. In fact, I bet you also do it and don't give it a minutes thought.
What am I twittering on about I here you saying?

I'm sorry, I can't hear you. Well actually I'm not.

Whilst I'm at it I'm also not sorry for refusing to buy any of the tatt you are trying to sell me on my doorstep,

I'm not sorry for not wanting to join your congregation - It's just that Judge Judy is on T.V. and you've interrupted by ringing the door bell

I'm not sorry for parking outside your house - I'm perfectly entitled to park there because I pay road tax.

I'm not sorry that I've had to complain about the crap food you've just served to me, it's shit and I'm paying money for it. And whilst I'm at it you could at least appear interested - it's called customer service so feel free to do just that.

I'm not sorry that I was speeding on the motorway - it was three points and £60 quid well spent in my opinion,

I'm not sorry for accidentally bumping into you - it's not as if Ive caused any long term damage

I'm not sorry for not having the correct change - Don't you keep money in this till?

I'm not sorry you've misunderstood me - why? It's you who is thick.

I'm not sorry for disagreeing with you - your opinion is wrong.

That's right, Ive given up saying sorry UNLESS I ACTUALLY MEAN IT. You should try it - the look of expectation slowly transforming into one of confusion and then offense when they realise they're going to be waiting a long time is worth the initial awkwardness you feel whilst resisting the urge to blurt forth the dreaded S word. Apologising seems to be one of those things that we have instilled in us from an early age. By apologising for our actions (intended or otherwise) we hope to be cleansed of our sins, but why do so when it's questionable whether we do actually repent?
By apologising we instantly dis empower ourselves - but why when we don't need to? Are we not doing our selves a disservice?

I'm so bold to say that I will never apologise to anyone ever again, but if I was to run over someones dog, or offended their mother or wife then I would gladly offer an apology as it would make me feel bad and probably keep up me awake at night if I didn't.

But lie and say I feel remorse when I don't?

Isn't that what politicians do?

The genius strikes back

My oh my it's been a long time since I sat down in front of blogger to write a few things. I simply ran out of steam a few months ago with life in general but seem to back to my old cynical and twisted self.


So whats new in the world of the genius?

Well, a weekend break in Oslo certainly went some way to restoring the old batteries that's for sure. A lovely city it is indeed, full of Renaissance buildings and clean modern architecture and not a dog turd or McDonald's wrapper in site - easy on the eye is a good way of describing it. My worldly view was widened once again as for some reason I was under the assumption that May Day is a UK phenomena, I have no idea why I thought this, but it appears that our Nordic cousins also celebrate the occasion by deserting their capital city in favour of the hills where they have barbeque's, don Viking attire and rape and pillage some unsuspecting village. Okay, Ive no proof of the latter but If my suspicions are proved correct just remember that you heard it here first. The lack of local populous made Oslo feel like a sleepy town on a Sunday. Upon investigation Oslo has a population of "only" 500,000, which is tiny when you compare it to other capital cities such as London or Paris. Saying that I suppose it's all relative as Norway has a population of 4.5 Million meaning that, comparatively, it's pretty crowded.


Two words of warning however:


1. If you decide to take heed of my advice and visit Oslo, take out a mortgage before you go. The first night we were there we decided to visit an eatery on the docks which looked to all intents and purposes like a run of the mill fish and chip shop/restaurant. Upon ordering two lots of schnitzel and chips with a beer and a coke I received a bill for the equivalent of £45. After choking on the most expensive chip in the world I double checked the prices on the menu and then checked the exchange rate. No mistake was found. Upon closer inspection of other restaurant prices we found that we were going to be shafted wherever we ate. For the rest of the weekend we took advantage of the all you can breakfast in the hotel by stocking up on enough food to last the rest of the day.

2. Ryan Air. We perhaps would not have gone to Oslo if we had not seen the promise of cheap flights from the budget Irish airline - although once you start booking your flight via the tinternet you soon realise that Ryan Air is anything but the saviour of the working classes. It seemed that we were charged for just about every possible necessity from a bag, the clothes we stood in, the air in our lungs, the amount of pubic hair we had, and our eye colour. For anyone who is familiar with this airline you might say "well didn't you know they were robbing b'stards" and my answer would be "no. I still have a small degree of faith left in civilisation.". Before I'd even set foot on the plane I felt as if I'd been buggered by a horse and then when we arrive in "Oslo" we discovered that in fact we weren't anywhere near the place. In fact we were at some airport about an hour and forty minutes away from where we expected to be and the only way of getting to our destination was by laying out yet more unexpected expense to a coach company who are closely affiliated with with the blood sucking Irish Luftwaffe.



So there you have it. By all means visit the lovely city of Oslo, but make sure you've won the lottery and don't fly Ryan Air as I here their latest slogan is: "Credit Crunch? What credit Crunch?"